There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
choose your fighter
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I am never leaving this website
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.