I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
You Might Also Like
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*