me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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kids play hide and seek like
Not😆🤣
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’m awake but I object,
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
We need more people like this.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky