Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.