If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.