Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*exercises sarcastically*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that鈥檚 not what I said
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I鈥檓 gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
trainer: what鈥檚 your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I鈥檓 dying.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they鈥檙e on sale*
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
It鈥檚 as if the guy in the next stall doesn鈥檛 realize this is a competition
Why don鈥檛 we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It鈥檚 on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
馃槒馃槒馃槒
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: I鈥檓 here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you鈥檙e here for neither.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.