If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Go hard or stay average
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.