“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.