*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
very niche meme I made
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.