Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Yeah. This was me today.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?