Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.