Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
You Might Also Like
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
“That’s what” – She
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My dog ate my work from home.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.