My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.