Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
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My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…