Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The news in a nutshell.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.