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idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
This guy’s not having it 😆
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”