My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless