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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently