Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
You Might Also Like
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.