1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub