Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”