Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
You Might Also Like
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”