You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
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Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Wait a minute
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.