Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
You Might Also Like
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Not helping
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.