I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Natural selection at its finest
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*