INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Only a mother’s love …
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.