Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
good morning
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.