“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person