#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.