When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
cats when you pet them too long:
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.