My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones