Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
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Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.