me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.