WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.