I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
You Might Also Like
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Just this preview of the story is enough
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat