Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them