5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You Might Also Like
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.