Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Jogging
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
That’s incredible! 👌
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.