My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
When I laugh on my period
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo