*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.