Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.