I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.