*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.