Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If looks could kill
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.