We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.