20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?