[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
the answer was staring at me all along
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.