Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.