My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
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Facebook memories be like
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.