Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I came this close!!!!
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-